i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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