??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
