I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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