walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
We need to rekindle our bromance
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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