i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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