im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
