She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
