somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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