Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
