someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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