i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
