I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
