With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
should my penis look like a turkey
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
