True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
