Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
