my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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