He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
