Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
