Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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