i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
