All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
