i jhust puked up my retainher.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
