kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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