That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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