I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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