Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
