i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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