I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
