I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
