id be glad to
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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