These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
