I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
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