She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
