I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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