Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize