just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
