who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
