your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
