yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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