I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
