the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
They are going to name an STD after you.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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