if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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