I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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