Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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