this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think my fart just growled at me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
