Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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