When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
