my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
