I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
