1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
