wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
