Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
