So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize