she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
