at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize