3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
